The American family is in crisis. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and children suffer. Parents don’t bother to marry and children suffer. Some families explode in violence, child abandonment, or drug abuse and CPS picks up the pieces. Here, especially children suffer. How they suffer.
They suffer so much that my daughter would retreat into a shell every time she heard Spanish or her own name spoken aloud. They suffer so much that they come straight from the ER in the middle of the night wrapped in a hospital blanket and dressed only with one sock, a cast, and a diaper. They suffer so much that while I cradle an exhausted and drug addicted four-month old in my arms a doctor lets slip that if he can not learn how to fall asleep he will die.
Imagine your family has fallen apart. You need to leave for your own safety. You’ve seen too much. You’ve been hurt. You’re awfully small in a big world. You need someone to love you. Your mother and your father have let you down, but at least you have your Heavenly Father and Our Mother. You can rest in His arms at any time, but you feel especially close to Our Lady and to your own mom when you are in Mass.Â
The emergency placement people take you to Mass in a new church, in a new part of town, but all Masses are the same no matter where you are. You know that your mom is going to church somewhere today. It breaks your heart not to be with her, but she’s here somewhere, somehow. She always said we are reunited with all our loved ones through the Eucharist, even the ones in Heaven. Even if you can’t touch her today, you are with her in this small way.Â
A few days later, you find yourself in a new home. That first time you get ready to go to Mass, they ask you why you’re all dressed up. They look embarrassed when you say you’re ready for Church. “Maybe we’ll go next week,†the foster mom says. “Nobody’s ready this week but you.†Every week, there’s some sort of excuse. After a month or two, you’ve lost even that bit of hope. Would God forgive you for missing Mass if you can’t help it?
His simple love and faith spoke to me. That kind of childlike faith demands an answer, doesn’t it? It called an answering love of Christ in me, an answering hope that maybe I could do something for him, for all those children like him.Â
Can I help answer some of your fears?
“It Scares Me To Think I Might Have To Give Them Back”
I’ve handed a child back to a social worker 13 times now. One of my adopted daughters was placed with me 3 times before the adoption. It was hard. I hung on the agony of my own loss each time. I’ve had social workers cry on my doorstep at the sight of me and say, “I’m so sorry!†But you know what? My losses count as nothing to these children who need me.
They’ve lost so much. They’ve suffered the loss of their family of origin, some have suffered multiple losses through multiple placements. They’ve lost everything. Sometimes countless times over. I can bear my pain. I’m a big girl. I can take it for their sakes.
I know how to offer that up. I’ve done it before. We hang on the cross for each of our children. You mothers know. Pregnancy is the first of the suffering that we bear for our child. Then childbirth. That’s some serious physical suffering right there. Then there are the countless moments: the illnesses at 2 a.m., bearing their tears when someone makes fun of them at school, their first “I hate you!†We suffer.Â
We mothers suffer!
We will suffer for these foster children, too. That’s what love is all about. If you think it is too tough to hand them back if you are called, if that is stopping you, don’t be afraid by the possibility of that pain. Love is always worth it. What is love? Love is a person, a choice. It’s not a warm fluffy feeling. It’s a gift of one’s life to the beloved.
Love Himself showed us. He died for us. He suffered so much for us. Maybe you will be privileged to suffer and love for a child you will never forget.
I can tell you I would not trade a moment with any of my foster children for one moment less of my heartache over the loss of them. The love I have received from them, more importantly, the love I have poured out for them has been worth it. I still overflow with love for each of them. It is so beautifully worth it.
“I Don’t Want All the Rules and Paperwork”
Nobody likes the unknown. The paperwork for an adoption is considerable. I had a stack of papers a foot high to slog through for my first adoption. Each paper was akin to a day of pregnancy, “One page closer!” I thought as I tagged another sheet for my husband to sign. Compared to the 23 hours of labor I went through for my oldest, reading, signing, and initialing was a breeze.
There are regulations in every state. They are there for good reason. In one state, we were not allowed to take pictures of foster children. Think about that one for a minute. What type of photographic incident occurred to some poor child to make that rule necessary? We abided it.
You may have a “no trampoline” rule in your state. You may not. The anxiety of all the potential changes you will have to make to accept a foster child into your home will be much more manageable once you know what those rules actually are. You may find yourself in a better position to foster than you thought after you actually speak to someone.
Taking the classes to become trained a trained foster parent is not a commitment to foster, but it will make the process look more “family sized” and it will normalize the process. You may find that you can’t commit to a full time placement, but there is always respite care. That’s when you take a child for a weekend or a few days for various reasons.Â
“My Children Are Too Young”
You can specify the age of the child you would consider fostering. We’ve always made a rule to foster children who are younger than our youngest. When our youngest was a year old, we only took in infants. Now that our youngest is four, we will take in toddlers and younger.
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| The Martin Kids Fostered, adopted, birthed and mine! |
Thank you for this post! My husband and I have been talking through possibly wanting to adopt or be foster parents. I can’t tell you how well timed your article is. You addressed several of our questions. One more question I have is how do your other children cope with having a new child in the house for a short time and then possibly never seeing them again. How have they dealt with that emotionally? Thank you!
What a great and loving question, Megan. My oldest son is nine, so I have shown him your question. This is what he says, “I was kind of upset. It was kinda lonely. I wasn’t worried. I was kind of young back then (He was 7). I thought she was fine. I just missed her.” The last foster child to leave was our Sissy, who has since come back to us and been adopted.
It’s hard on the kids, too. Your kids will miss and be saddened, too. You just have to talk it through and remind them that you were privileged to be able to have this person in your life and be there for them during a difficult time for them, like a gift for each other. You can cry together and talk about them. We keep pictures and memories of each child that we’ve been allowed to and talk about them a lot.
We are also careful and have always been very clear that foster kids are with us while their parents try their best to get things fixed at home. “They are staying with us for awhile!” “Some sad things have happened at her home and we need to help their family out while things settle down.” We don’t mention adoption until the social workers do, though. Kids pick up on a lot, though, and they will broach the subject, trust me!
So when a foster child asks us if we want to adopt we always say, “Of course we’d love to have you forever!” with a big hug, and then “But your mom or dad (or aunt or uncle) are trying so hard to get things back together for you, they get first pick, right? We will love you forever, you know that, no matter where you live!”
Thank you for your response and please thank your son too. We have a 6yr old, 3 1/2 yr old and 2 yr old right now. It is hard to explain these situations to them at this age. I do appreciate your point that the benefits to the child outweigh any of our suffering. Thank you!
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I can see this post was written awhile ago, but I am so happy to have found it! We are considering foster parenting and have an orientation this week. We have 5 children and the youngest is 6 months. Thank you for the encouragement!